random thousandth of thoughts

Hey you.
This post is about you.
Yes you, my love, my best friend, my better half.
I wrote this when I had no idea that I would eventually meet you, the man of my dream.
All this days, all this years, I have been waiting for no one but you.
You took so long to come, I even doubt if you’ll come at all.
I wish you knew how lonely these days have been.
I really wish I have someone to love, to cherish. To take care of.
I wish to have someone who would say good morning, good night, and I love you to me everyday and really meant it.
I wish to have someone who could make my day brighter just by being by my side.
I wish to be able to love someone so much, but not showing as much as he does to me.
I wish to take long walks with you.
To have romantic dinners.
To feel butterflies in my stomach.
To miss you.
To cook for you.
To see you smile and because I’m the reason behind it.
To take as many pictures as possible with you.
To not be shameful and to say I love you when I want to.
To gaze into your eyes and wish the night would never end.

Hey, you.
Come faster into my life, will you?

What we had was nothing but childish, innocent love , but that love was true and real. I couldn’t be happier to share it with you. I am happy that you have found your way to love someone in a more mature way. I, too, must find my own soulmate now. I wish you all the best in your journey to your future with or without your lover now. Whether or not we will cross our path again in the future, only time will tell. Until then, so long my first… I may never forget that I really loved you back then. Thank you for making me what I am today. Thank you for making me capable of what I thought I couldn’t do. Thank you for teaching me something about love.

Stop right here. Stop and start something new.

I promised my self and Nine that this year, 2013, is gonna be the best year yet for me. 

Now I dream, no, I see myself in the future as a chic chick.

I actually want to have a future. 

No, I want to build my future today. 

I see my self in the future as someone who is organized, get straight A’s, beautiful, talented, caring, loving, loved, and most of all, someone who didn’t have a single regret in life.

Someone with a closet she has always dreamed about, someone with the looks she has always dreamed about, someone with the guy she has always dreamed about, someone who created that smile on mom and daddy’s faces. 

So, I will become a better person starts from this hour, before it’s too late. 

I will be better in Aussie, but i will stay just the same, bright and cheerful. 

You told me I am cool, smart and pretty, can always make people laugh. I will try to be like that all the time.

You told me to grasp my dream, that I was able to. I will.

How can you want to be like me? Ive always wanted to be like you. Generous and genuine.

Friends forever and ever, Nine.

Xox

Mad with everyone practically.
First of all this boring guy
Sory if I’m being mean
Why do you look so heartbroken? You writes stuffs like I’m hurting you like I’m a selfish creature.
Whoa mister, what do you expect from me? To be truthful you’re nobody in my life, not even to close for me to acknowledge you as a friend. Yet you expect me to what? To love you or to be inlove with you like I’m your girlfriend for the past few months or so? Are you kidding me?
Is it my fault, or anyone’s fault that you expect too much you’re so disheartened?
Please sir, spare me the agony!
And do you think that all my tweets are about you or correlates to you in any possible way? No freaking way! If you feel so, that’s your consequence for being so self centered and its good as well for you to have a little self introspection don’t you think so?

And mom, yes I know I shouldn’t complain about my mom. I love her, I respect her, I adore her. She’s my hero, my best friend, my everything in this world. But there are just times when she just crossed the line. Like today!!! I was so sleep deprived and she insisted me to fix my hair for some events I don’t even need to attend! And I’ve told her how my hair is very loose it won’t stand a night. Not worth all the heats that are applied to my hair! Stop hurting mjm hair. And you still do stuffs I hate , like I’ve told you a thousand times that that food isn’t good for you still would she put it in our food!!! Ohms god. And Then there’s more. She insisted me to buy this 1 m dress which I HATE from the beginning bcs I think it makes me look like I’m a whore. And she asked me to wear it again. And complains about a thousand things about my fashion choice blah blah blah how in the world do you expect me to be on my own, to be independent, if you keep on choosing stuffs for me? Like I’m still a little girl. And then you complain about me being not mature. Talk about some self instropection. And stop sneaking into my phone I don’t like it. I’ve said it once and I will say it again. Gosh I just hate everything right now

Be like the fish who swims against the river, that’s an alive fish, an expensive fish,salmon. Be against the current to win , to stand out.

Where do I want to fixate my life on
Things that mater things that last
Or things that will fade will be gone will be forgotten?
Eternal things

Respect your body
I’m not my own but I’ve been bought with the expensive blood of Jesus
When I drink and I eat with careless mind I have given myself a judgement
Remember you reap what you sow

Mom really loves me she wants everything the best for me
Even though she was struggling has she ever really showed it to me
True that she had sky high pride
She wanted me to go to school in aus which costs her 33000 aud or 330mil rupiah a year
3 years that s 66000 
She build that money by every tear and sweat and every temptation to spend it on something else for herself for example
Car luxury brand
She built our house with every effort she make gathering money little by little
Who knows that little moneys are someday become one big sum of money
Yet when she is paying 6k aud a month for the Ruko she said to me already mom can’t spend so much this year
Yet she still bought me that skirt in mango
Or dress for 1 m
Even almost shoes for 500k
Buying me tix to jky
Paying 500000 so I could see her on the stage
Paying the Christmas celebration I was so grumpy about
Come to think of it I was grumpy at everything she gave me
How sinful am I o lord?
Forgive me for I have sinned to my mom
How could I most of all let myself broken down like that
Not studying
Internet everyday
Skipping morning classes
Without even thinking about mom n dad back home working their asses off
Got bad score
Got fat
They still love me
Like I was
How could I complain to god asking for a boyfriend so I couldn’t be alone
I have these wonderful parent that love me so much
So much I couldn’t understand how

And devil be outta my mind
My house
And my soul
You have entered me
Negative thinking
Antisocial
Overloading myself with junk food
Addictive me with Internet
Tempts me from luxury things

Oh god
Control my life
Take my wheel
I believe in your favour

Everything will be beautiful in your time , I believe that amen

And

That my goal in life is to glorify god in everything I do

It’s mad that people are craving so much for attention, fame.

I really need an escape…. I’m not looking forward excitedly for each day…

I feel so lonely here. 

Like

I miss my bestfriend

I miss my mom 

And my dad

and my sis

and my dear old nanna

I miss my grandma

I miss my friend

I miss having someone to share everything with.

Why won’t the right person come along?

I’ve waited for …. so long

yes I’m talking about boyfriend.

But even if there are some possible ones… my insecurity always held me back

Like i have this constant fear of getting too close, too attached to anyone

What do I have to do to make everything seems right once again?

I miss my old self

I miss my old life

But I can’t keep looking backwards. 

Move on, move on 

Be strong 

‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’